hey Everyone, My dad called me a few days ago just to tell me this joke. I thought it was hilarious so here it is.
alright...
Once there was a man who toke long walks along side a large river everyday. one day the man was walking along the river when he saw this women with no arms and no legs sitting by the edge of the river. He walked up to the woman and she asked him for a favor. She said "Excuse me sir but...i've never been hugged before. Can you give me a hug?"
The man politly agreed to hug the woman. He came close and wraps his arms around her body and said "There, now you've been hugged." And with that he walked away and he continued his walk down the river.
The next day the man was once again on his walk and once again he sees the same woman with no arms or legs sitting by the river. He walks up to the woman again as she asked him for another favor. She says "excuse me kind sir but...I've never been kissed before either. Would you kiss me?"
The man looks around and says "alright". He bends over and kisses her right on the lips and says "there, now you've been kissed". He once again walks away and continues on down the river.
The next day the man was walking by the river, he sees the same old women just sitting there. He once again walks up to her as she asked him for one last favor. She says "Excuse me kind sir...but I've never been fucked before...Would you fuck me?"
The man once again looks around and agrees. He bends over and picks up the woman with no arms or legs and tosses her into the river. He yells out to her. "there! Now your fucked!"
InsertFunnyUserName
It was the blackest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars aint shinin
cause the skys too tight
I heard the scarey wind
I seen some ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin
long the side of me
Im mean n Im bad, yknow I aint no sissy
Got a big-titty girly by the name of chrissy
Talkin about her n my bike n me...
n this ride up the mountain of mystery, mystery
I noticed even the crickets
Was actin weird up here
And so I figured I might
Just drink a little beer
I said, gimme summa that what yer suckin on...
But there was no reply
cause she was gone...
Wheres those titties that I like so well
n my goddamn beer!
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise
Like a crunchin twig, n up jumped the devil...hes about this big...
He had a red suit on
An a widows peak
An then a pointed tail
n like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him awright
I sweared I knowed it was
He had some human flesh
Stuck underneath his claws
You know it looked to me
Like it was titty skin
I said, you sonofabitch!
cause I was mad at him,
Well he just got out his floss
n started cleanin his fang
So I shot him with my shooter
Said: bang bang bang
Then the sucker just laughed n said, put it away...
You know, I ate her all up...now what you
Gonna say?
You ate my chrissy? titties n all!
Well, what about the beer then, boy? were the cans
This tall?
Even her boots? would I lie to you?
Shit, you musta been hungry! yes, this is true.
Well dont they pay you good for the
Stuff that you do?
Well, you know, I cant complain when the checks come through...
Well I want my chrissy, n I want my beer
So you just barf it back up now, devil,
Do you hear?
Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I mean, I am the devil,
Do you understand? just what will you give me
For your
Titties and beer? I suppose you noticed this little
Contract here... yer goddam right, you son-of-a-whore,
Dont call me that
Thats about the only reason
...gimme that paper...bet yer ass Ill sign...
cause I need a beer, n its titty-squeezin time
Man, you cant fool me...you aint that bad...
I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls I had...
Why there was milhous nixon n agnew, too...
n both of those suckers was worse n you...
Well, lets make a deal if you think thats true
I mean, youre the devil, so whatcha gonna do?
(improvised dialog)
Wait a minute...a tinge of doubt crosses my mind...when you say...
That you want to make a deal with me...
Thats very, very true
Im only interested in two things
Yeah?
See if you can guess what they are
I would think...uh...lets see, maybe stravinsky...
Ill give you two clues. let go of your pickle
What?
Let go of your pickle!
Im not holding my pickle
Well, whos holding your pickle then?
I dont know...shes out in the audience...
Hey dale, would you like to come up here and hold
My pickle to satisfy this weird man out on the stage?
Im only interested in two things, and thats
Titties and beer
You know what I mean?
What?
Titties and beer
Titties and beer
Titties and beer
Titties and beer
Titties and beer
Titties and beer
Titties and beer!
Titties and beer!
I dont know if youre the right guy?
Titties and beer!
Titties and beer!
No! dont sign it! give me time to think...
I mean hold on a second boy, cause thats magic ink!
And then the devil let go of his pickle
And out come my girl, there was her titties
Flop-floppin...all around the world
She said I got me three beers and a fistful of downs
And Im gonna get ripped, so fuck, you clowns!
Then she gave us the finger, it was rigid and stiff
Thats when the devil, he farted
And she went right over the cliff!
The devil was mad, I took off to my pad
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?
I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?