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A joke i heard

2007-08-21 03:30:36 by SouleMan86

hey Everyone, My dad called me a few days ago just to tell me this joke. I thought it was hilarious so here it is.

Once there was a man who toke long walks along side a large river everyday. one day the man was walking along the river when he saw this women with no arms and no legs sitting by the edge of the river. He walked up to the woman and she asked him for a favor. She said "Excuse me sir but...i've never been hugged before. Can you give me a hug?"
The man politly agreed to hug the woman. He came close and wraps his arms around her body and said "There, now you've been hugged." And with that he walked away and he continued his walk down the river.

The next day the man was once again on his walk and once again he sees the same woman with no arms or legs sitting by the river. He walks up to the woman again as she asked him for another favor. She says "excuse me kind sir but...I've never been kissed before either. Would you kiss me?"

The man looks around and says "alright". He bends over and kisses her right on the lips and says "there, now you've been kissed". He once again walks away and continues on down the river.

The next day the man was walking by the river, he sees the same old women just sitting there. He once again walks up to her as she asked him for one last favor. She says "Excuse me kind sir...but I've never been fucked before...Would you fuck me?"

The man once again looks around and agrees. He bends over and picks up the woman with no arms or legs and tosses her into the river. He yells out to her. "there! Now your fucked!"

Writing comp. Entry

2007-08-10 04:18:19 by SouleMan86

This is my short story about a boy lost in the woods and his starnge expeirences that occur while trying to get home. Its written a personalized screenplay form. This form is more directoral then story telling.

Quite an Experience
Middle of the woods/ stream/ late afternoon- EXT
(We start off in a close up looking down into the water of a stream. The water is crystal clear with a current running through it. We see pine needles and bugs and all sorts of stuff floating by in the water as the current carries them to their unknown destinations. After a few seconds a rock plunks into the water right in front of us making a small splash and causing our view of the bottom to be blurred. The current quickly gains back its normal stride as the effects from the rock disappear. After a few more seconds a second rock hits the water just like the first. The effects of that rock just like the first soon disappear. We CUT to shot looking at a teenage boy from a angled position. We only see the boys upper body in frame. All we see behind the boy is dark green trees. The trees are so close together it would seem impossible to walk through them. The boy stares across the stream looking for a way to get around it. We CUT to a shot sitting just above the ground on the side of the stream. We are facing the way the current was flowing. We see the ground below us is wet sand with little poles of water collected on the side of the stream. We see the boy lower body come into frame and kneel down on one knee. He reaches into the stream cupping his hands. He pulls back out two handfuls of water. We start to move upward making the boys upper body come into frame. We stop once his torso and head are completly in frame. We see him sipping the water out of his cupped hand. He continues to look across the water thinking of something. We can see in the background the stream running for miles. The line of trees never thins all the way down the line. They stay thick sticking close to the side of stream. The boy shakes the rest of the water out of his hands and stands up leaving only his mid-section in frame. We CUT to the other side of the stream looking across at the boy who is completly stood up and already making his way into the water. The boy starts coming right at us. When the boy reachs about the middle of the stream which is only about weist deep, we start to shift our view downward. Flys start buzzing in and out of frame. We stay at the same height and in the same spot but start looking at whats below us. As we move down the image of the boy crossing the stream becomes out of focus. We focus on what lays in the mud at the other side of the stream. The number of flys start to grow as we notice blood in the water and mixed in the mud. Once our view is completly below us we stop. We see the calf part of what probably was a mooses leg sitting in the mud. The end looks to have violently been ripped off the animal and chewed on until most the skin was gone. Flies continue to buzz around frame and land on the bloody stump of a leg. We see the water start to quake like the boy is approaching. We hear the splashing of the boys steps through the water as he walks over. We see the boys legs come in frame and stopping to look at this horrific sight. We hear the boy make a gasping sound like he wants to throw up after seeing this.)

CUT TO: Middle of the woods/ inside forest/ late afternoon- EXT.
(We start off quickly moving along side the boy looking at him from the side as he walks through the thick grouping of trees. Only his upper body is in frame. We see the frustration and sickness on his face as he push the braches out of the way. The boy continues aggresivly pushing braches out of his way as he begins to pick up speed. The boy walks very angerly for about 5 more seconds and then...He trips on something making him fall out of frame. We stop moving when he falls.
We CUT to a shot sitting on the ground of the woods. We see on the left side of the frame a large thing coverd in leaves and dead pine needles. And on the right side we see the boy flat on his stomach looking behind him to see what it was he tripped over. The boy slowly stands up recovering from the fall. He dust himself off. He walks toward us and the thing he tripped over. We CUT to a shot looking over the boys shoulder as he approaches the large thing. We move along with him as he walks up to it. We CUT to a shot on the other side of the thing at about human height looking at the boy. We see him dust all the leaves off the thing until he hits fur. dust from the leaves poofs out of the fur as he hits it. Once he realize what it is he steps back cupping his hand over his mouth. We CUT to a close up of his face as tears start to build up in his eyes. We CUT to a first person shot as he tilts his head to the left trying to see its face. We see its whats left of the moose. Its head is all torn up and mangled. We CUT to a shot looking down from behind the boy at a high height. He stands by the dead moose. We see pieces of the moose all over the place. hanging off tree limbs, scatterd in bushes, the poor moose was literally ripped to shreds. Its obvious whatever did this to the moose is a savage creature that the boy would not want to cross paths with. We wacth that shot for about 5 seconds as the boy just stairs at the mess thats in front of him. The boy slowly turns around and walks out the bottom left corner of the frame.)

CUT TO: Middle of the woods/ inside forest/ Night- EXT.
(We sit in pitch blackness listening to the noises of nature. We hear birds in the distance, russling in the bushes, and the gentle hum of the earth. After a few seconds we see a spark in the center of the frame thats looks a little ways away from us. The spark is caused by a flint the boy has. Each time the boy strikes the flint we get a split second of him and his surroundings. We see he is in some patch of trees that seems to have thinned enough for him to lay down in it and build a camp fire. The boy strikes the flint about two more times before it finally catches making a small fire. We see the boy facing us and bending over blowing into the fire giving it oxygen. The flame catches and grows bigger. We see the boy sit back onto a log that acts like a backboard. Surrounding the boy and his little source of light is complete darkness. We CUT to shot sitting at the boys left side looking at him at an angled view. We see the glow of the fire shine on his face and reflect through his tired eyes. This makes the area around him look even darker. We still hear all the soothing sounds of nature as the boy begins to grow more tired. His eyes start to droop as sleep takes over him. The noise around him grows louder. The insect noise is almost unbearable at this point. After a few seconds we hear what sounds like a large animal yelling in the distance. The animal sounds like some type of gorilla wooping and hollering. The yell sounds very angry and mad. The second the animal stops making noise so do the bugs. The wilderness becomes dead silent after that. Fear strikes the boys face as he realizes the noise couldve been caused by the thing that tore apart that moose. The boy becomes so frightend all he can do is bunch himself up inside his coat. He stuffs his hands inside his pockets so we can only see his eyes peek over the top of his jacket and stair into the fire. The glow of the fire blazes on as the boy sits in complete fear wondering if he'll make it out of the woods alive. We CUT to shot looking into the fire from the boys point of view. We see the bright orange burning wood with a yellow flame on top and a bright red hot center.
We slowly fade out as we zoom in on the center of the flame burning bright in the night.)

CUT TO: Middle of the woods/ inside forest/ later that Night- EXT.
(We fade back up looking at a close up of the boy's face as it lays sideways on the ground. The boy rest his head in a pile of leaves. The boy is sound asleep. We can barely see the boys face because the fire has died almost completly down now. Just smoldering embers keep a small glow on the boys face. We hear a russle in the trees behind us and what sounds like very heavy footsteps. We hear the hard packing sound of dirt and twigs getting stomped further into the ground. The boys remains completly asleep. After about a few seconds of listening to the beast walk around, the animal lets out a loud grunt. The second we hear the grunt echo through the woods the boys eyes open as wide as possible. Its like the boy was never asleep. We see he is scared stiff and couldnt move if his life depended on it, Which it probably will. We hear the animal continue to russle around in the bushes making very loud angry grunting noises. We CUT to a shot looking from over the log the boys leaning on at whats making the noise. We see it is a large man-like figure. The darkness and trees are so thick its hard to make out any destinct features of the animal. We see the boy at the bottom of the frame sit up a little bit and try to put the fire out completly. The boy scoops dirt over the fire and puts it out but luckly the moon is out making us able to still see the boy and the figure of the creature. The figure turns around making the same grunting noise like he notice the fire went out. We see the creatures glowling yellow eyes in the darkness. We CUT to a close up of the boys face tucked inside his jacket. He is slightly shaking in fear as he thinks of what the animals going to do next. He squints his eyes fearful of the thought. About 5 seconds pass and the animal does nothing. The boy begins to think its left. He slowly start to show the rest of his face trusting the animal has left. We CUT to shot in a first person view from the boy. We hear in the distance what sounds like running footsteps hitting the dirt. After a second we see the figure run through the darkness at us. It passes through the moonlight giving us a quick glimps of it. We see its yellow eye closing in on the boy. The boy ducks back down into his coat but basically not moving at all. We CUT to a shot looking at the boy from a higher angle. We see the animal jump onto the log above the boy facing away froom him. The boy is shaking in fear as the animal sits above him wooping and hollering. We hear the animals noise echo far off in the distance. Its the same noise he heard earlier. We still dont see too much of the animal; Just that its human or ape like. We CUT to a close up of the boys face looking over his jacket as the animal makes its noise. The animal stops and turns around facing the boy. The log makes cracking noise from the weight of the animal sitting on it. The boy shifts his eyes upward trying to see the creature. But right when he looks up the animal grunts scaring the boy into looking back down. We CUT back to the shot looking at the boy from the higher angle. The animal then begins to rock the log, skaking it around, bumping the boy like its trying to get him to stand up... but the boy doesnt move. The animal does this for about 3 seconds before getting bored and stopping. We CUT to a close up of the boys face tucked in his coat. The animal makes a dissapointed grunt and jumps off the other side of the log. We hear its heavy bare feet hit the dirt. The boys eyes shift upward. We hear it scraggle through the bushes and trees, running at full speed away from the boy. The boy sits up and looks over the other side of the log. We CUT to a shot looking at the boy at about his height from the other side of the log. He looks past us into the distance as he watches the mysterious animal disappear back into woods. The moon light shines on him as the fear that was in him just a few seconds ago slowly begins to die away. The boy trys to find the creature with his eyes for a few seconds but cant. He slowly turns back around and goes back to sleep, leaving only the top of the log in frame. The bugs begin to make their noise again as normal life continues in the dark wilderness. We slowly fade out.)

CUT TO: Edge of woods/ highway/ late afternoon-EXT
(we fade back up sitting high up in a tree looking down onto a highway that passes through the woods. All we can see is road and trees for miles down the way. After a few seconds we see a little human figure emerge from the woods and walk to the side of the road. We can tell its the boy whos finally made his way back to the road. After a second we see the boy start to walk down the road away from us. fade out)

CUT TO: Edge of woods/ highway/ late afternoon-EXT
(We move in front of the boy as he walks down the highway. We look at the boy who now looks exasted from walking many miles. We see the road behind bend around a corner in the mountain. After about 6 seconds of moving along with the boy we see a red pickup truck pull around the bend and start coming toward us. We see the front end is pretty smashed up. The boy hears the car and his eyes widen with joy. He quickly turns around and starts waving at the car, trying to make them pick him up. We CUT to shot looking down onto the highway from the middle of a tree. This shot is similar to the last one at the top of the tree line. we see the car pull over and the boy get in the back cab of the truck. The truck pulls back onto the road and drive out of frame.)

CUT TO: Inside Truck/ late afternoon- INT.
(We CUT to a shot looking into the backseat of the truck. We see through the back window of the truck something corvered up with a tarp lying in the bed. We see the tarp blowing around in the back. The boy just sits in the seat exasted from his expeirence. after 4 seconds of silence the driver tries to talk to him...)

Driver: You dont talk much... huh kid?
(The boy doesnt say anything.)

Driver: You sure had an experience though? I never heard of anyone surviving that long. your a lucky kid.
(The boy still doesnt say anything. The drivers quite for a couple seconds before talking again.)

Driver: Yeah i had me quite an experience this morning too. You happen to glance at the front of my truck?
(We see the boy become interested and look at the driver.)

Driver: I Hit some kind of animal...i cant, i cant even describe it there in my bed.
(The boy eyes widen and he looks into the bed of the truck.)

Driver: Weird lookin thing...gonna drop it off at the ranger station on the way back to town.
(The boy turns back around with a disappointed look on his face. He just stairs at the back of the seat. a few seconds of akward silence pass.)

Driver: So kid...where you live?
(Immediatly CUT to black)
(Roll Credits)


2007-08-09 13:59:17 by SouleMan86

HI, Everybody! Right now I'm working on a horror series called The Man in the Ceiling . It pretty much needs everything from voice acting to an artist. So if you have any voice acting experience or animation experience please contact me here or at

I also have other projects written and waiting to be made, so if that one doesnt sound interesting the others need work too. please let me know. Thanks.